KickAss:  Experimental Solution
by Legion Fardreamer
Summary: Dave and Mindy return to the costumes, and find an ally who is anything but normal.  Original characters based off of a super team I've been working on for a bit.
1. Chapter 1

Kick-Ass: Experimental Solution

by Scott Tettamble

I'm not making any money of of this, and I just wanted to tell a story I thought was cool. Please don't sue me.

It was beginning to drizzle when Hit Girl and Kick Ass heard the shriek of a man who has just looked death in the eyes. Bolting down the alley, they came skidding to a stop when Kick Ass nearly tripped over the body of a man who lay in a pool of his own blood.

"Check him," whispered Hit Girl, drawing her pistol and letting her gaze roam over the rest of the alley.

Kick Ass rolled the body over, and as he got a look at the remains of the man's head, he promptly threw up. Hit Girl turned to tease him.

"Geez, dude! Would you grow a pair already? You've seen-..."

As it occurred to her what she was seeing, her voice dropped to a whisper again.

"Dave? Where the hell is his face?"

Dave, alias Kick Ass, was taking deep breaths to calm himself.

"I think it's over by the dumpster, but I am not going over there to look for it. You want to find it? You're on your own."

Gulping thickly, Hit Girl shook her head.

"Nope. I'm good. Let's get back to the safe house."

As the two heroes turned to leave, a sound above them had them both turning with weapons in hand. Standing there on the fire escape above them was a man in a cloak made from a length of canvas. It was olive drab with dark stains on it, and covered him completely. The sound that had attracted their attention came from him again; a strange kind of hiss that put the back hairs up on both heroes.

Dave decided to do the macho thing, and barked in his best hero voice "Who are you? Did you see who did this?"

The figure in the cloak nodded, and motioned for them to follow him. He climbed up the fire escape towards the roof, and turned watch them once he had reached the top. As they followed him, he led them on to a shack on another rooftop. As they followed him in, they saw it was a fairly well equipped shack. A nest-like bed of pillows and cushions, a small refrigerator, a blender, a microwave, three different laptops, each running a different program, and a police band radio playing quietly. There was also a small bathroom sink, and a camping toilet.

Sitting down in front of the computers, the cloaked figure pulled the material away from his hands to type, revealing that he had drying blood on his fingers. He minimized the primary window, which appeared to be a search of some kind, and pulled up a word processing program. Once that was done, he typed out a few sentences, and then motioned for the two heroes to look at the screen.

_I've seen you guys around. I thought I'd lend a hand tonight. The man I killed was a sniper. The mugging you stopped was a trap._

Hit Girl read the message, and cut loose with a round of vile cursing. Kick Ass sighed, and said "I bet I know who sent him, and his name rhymes with Red Mist." Hit Girl snarled, and growled "That mother fucker needs to die, and I mean like yesterday!"

Turning to the cloaked figure, Kick Ass asked "Who are you, anyway?"

The hood of the cloak tilted to the side, as if in thought, and he typed out _I'm not really sure. I think I was human once, but I can't be certain._

Hit Girl and Kick Ass glanced at each other, and then stared at the cloaked figure. Dave cleared his throat, and asked "Um, if you're not human now, what are you?"

The cloaked figure typed out _I'm what happens when you give a crazed geneticist lots of comic books, lots of free time, and government funding,_ and then removed the cloak.

Standing up to his full height, the creature was at least six feet, six inches tall, with facial features that seemed to blend those of a spider with those of a man, with short pedipalpi on each side of his jaw. He had four arms, all human like and all covered in blood up to the wrists. He wore an army flak vest that had been modified for the extra arms, and a pair of BDU pants. On both the harness and web belt were what appeared to be grenades made from beer and soda cans. Those caught Hit Girl's attention.

"Dude! You make your own grenades? Fucking cool!"

Kick Ass, as creeped out as he was from looking into the larger set of solid black eyes, rolled his own eyes heavenward. The creature leaned over to type again.

_You two are taking this pretty well, considering the reaction I usually get is a lot of screaming._

Dave thought that over for a moment, and replied "I have to say, having done hero work for a while now, this doesn't surprise me as much as it probably should. We've actually been hearing stories about some kind of facility, and disappearing homeless people. That's something we were planning to check on tonight, actually."

Swallowing thickly, Dave asked "Uh, just out of morbid curiosity, what the heck did you do to that guy's face?"

The creature's head tilted to the side, as if amused by the question. He typed _I have retractable climbing claws in my fingertips, and I can bench press a car. What do you think I did to his face? Besides, he was aiming for the girl. I'm guessing he recognized that she was the greater threat, and meant to take her down first._

Dave's eyes narrowed, his expression an angry one. Hit Girl, on the other hand, looked a little sheepish. She scratched the back of her neck, and said "Uh, yeah. About that? Thanks. I guess we owe you one."

_No. Your enemy is also my enemy. That boy is causing problems for the people I care about, and I mean to end that. The problem is that I have no idea where he is basing himself. The building his father owned has stood empty and abandoned ever since that incident a year ago with the death of his mother. If we can put an end to him, my loved ones' problem will pretty much disappear with him._

Kick Ass looked confused, and asked "What's he doing that causing problems?"

The creature gave a hiss that gave new meaning to the word hostile, and typed _He's leaning on the owner of this building, trying to get her to sell it for a tenth of what it's worth. If he gets his way, a lot of good people will lose their homes. Not to mention that the woman who owns the building is my mother-in-law._

Both the heroes stared at him, which caused the creature to hiss with laughter.

_My wife, Krisha, and my mother-in-law, Kamala, are Hindu. I saved them both from a local gang, and Kamala decided that I was touched by the divine. Apparently I resemble one of their gods. Kamala decided to arrange a marriage between myself and Krisha, and my opinion was neither needed nor wanted on the subject. Next thing I know, I have a wife. A very beautiful wife, I might add._

Kick Ass was blinking in amazement. Shaking it off, he said "Let's table that for now. I think the priority here is Red Mist. We need to track him down, and take him out." Something occurred to him, and he added "How come you haven't nailed him yourself? You obviously have the abilities to get him."

_Because I've been busy taking out the assassins he's been sending after you. That sniper was simply one of about nine guys that he's sent after you. Two of them had tracked you back to your safe house, and one of them was waiting for you in your house, Dave. Your father almost walked in on me killing the bastard. I killed two more in Mindy's bathroom. Young lady, you do NOT want to know what they had planned for you._

The two were staring at him again, this time in a kind of sick horror. The next sentence on the screen did not help them feel any better.

_He knows who you are._

Hit Girl closed her eyes.

"ShitshitshitshitSHITSHIIIIT!"

Nudging Kick Ass to get his attention, the creature typed _Has she always been this foul mouthed?_

"Pretty much. Good fighter, though."

The creature seemed to be ready to ask something else, but was interrupted by a very lovely Hindu woman wearing a blue sari opening the door to the shack.

"Tarak, are you-... Oh! Forgive me, please. I did not realize that my husband was having guests here."

The creature, or Tarak, clapped his hands lightly to get Krisha attention, and then tapped his throat gently. Understanding what he wanted, she smiled, nodded, and left. She returned moments later with a strange looking collar. Placing the collar around his neck, Tarak clicked the small switch on the side, and spoke in a slightly mechanical sounding voice.

"Thank you, love. May I introduce to you the hero Kick Ass and his partner Hit Girl."

Krisha nodded once at the pair, and went to stand beside her husband. Dave and Mindy looked at each other, then at Krisha, and then at Tarak. Tarak made a strange hissing sound, which Dave realized was laughter.

"I don't have to guess at what you two are thinking! You can relax. While she may not put on a costume, Krisha is very much my partner in crime fighting. She is a very creative tactician, and I value her input."

"Actually, I was wondering how she could stand to look at you, 'cause the whole spider thing is really creeping me out," replied Hit Girl, who never was much for tact.

Again, they heard Tarak hiss with laughter, although Krisha looked moderately annoyed.

"Let's just say I have other attributes, and leave it at that, young lady."

Dave watched Mindy's reaction, and was surprised to see her actually blushing.

"You know, we should probably go," he said nervously. "We need to process all this, and talk things out. Is there a way to contact you?"

Tarak sighed, and answered "If you're still alive in two days time, I'll find you. As it stands, you now know what to expect when you go home. Be careful, you two. I can't spend all my time watching over you. I have duties of my own to perform."

The two heroes nodded, and left the shack.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Weirdness cubed

Hit Girl was shaking her head as she and Kick Ass entered the safe house. Dave felt he could relate, seeing as he felt like doing the same thing. Of course, at the moment, that sensation was at war with the urge to throw up.

"Well, this fucking night has been a big steaming pile of scary shit."

Dave pulled his mask off with a sigh.

"Yeah. It gets worse, too. You heard what he said. Chris knows our identities, and he's rebuilding his dad's gang. This is going to get ugly real fast."

Mindy removed her wig and mask, and turning to Dave, asked "Speaking of ugly, isn't Katie gonna be pissed that you blew off your date tonight?"

Dave snorted irritably, and replied "Not likely, considering it was her that blew me off. She said she got called in to work tonight. Funny thing is, when we went past the methadone clinic, it was someone else at the desk. I think she's cheating on me."

Mindy's eyes widened as she stared at him.

"Are you fucking with me? I thought you two were, like, joined at the gonads or something. What happened? She start bitching about the hero work again?"

The expression of Dave's face became unreadable, which startled Mindy a bit. She had never seen him close down like that before, and that worried her.

"Dave? What is it? What's wrong?"

Dave's voice was nearly a growl as he said "Katie thinks I'm screwing you behind her back."

Mindy's eyes felt like they were going to pop out.

"Okay. I gotta say that of all the shit that you could have said, I did not see that coming. Are you fucking serious?"

Dave's neutral expression turned towards her, and she rolled her eyes.

"Okay. Stupid question. I don't get it, though. Why the hell would she think we were fucking? I know I didn't say anything to her. Hell, I don't even talk to her unless I have to!"

Dave shook his head, and sat down on the nearest kitchen chair.

"I don't have a clue how she could think that, and I'm not sure I want to know. Things were kind of cooling off between us before all the 'Dave's screwing Mindy' nonsense. I'm just concerned that she might get pissed and unmask us. If she hasn't already, that is."

"You think she might be banging Chris? You think that's how he found out who we are?"

"I think," he said after a moment of thought. "I think we need to do a little detective work before we jump to any conclusions. Are you up for it?"

Bumping fists with him, Mindy grinned.

"Absolutely! In the meantime, maybe we should fuck with her head a little."

What little sense of self preservation Dave had was making his neck hairs tingle.

"Um, Mindy? What are you thinking about?"

Her smirk looked dangerous, and she unzipped the front of her jumpsuit. Dave's eyes goggled, and he turned away, blushing furiously.

"I dunno yet, but I'll work out the details. I'm gonna go shower. No peeking, lover boy!"

Dave turned just in time to catch her outfit in his face. By the time he got the clothing off of his face, she was in the bathroom with the door closed. He sighed, and walked over to the recliner in the living room. More collapsing than sitting, he tried to let the tension in his muscles flow out of him.

He cast his mind back over the three years that they had worked together. Quite a few other costumed heroes had taken up the fight, although some of them needed a lot more work before they could really be called heroes. Dave had since moved out of his father's house, and gotten an apartment, which he and Mindy used as a safe house when necessary. She had her own room, and had been staying with him ever since Marcus had been shot in the line of duty a year before. That had been a bad and bloody night. He and Hit Girl had hit the streets with a vengeance, and by the end of the night, they had found Marcus' killer. The police found the man beaten nearly to death, and pinned to the wall with a knife through his penis.

For the next couple of weeks, Dave was afraid Mindy was going to come unglued. She had been sent to the office several times for beating up bullies, two of which she had sent to the hospital.

When it all finally came to a head, Dave went to see her at Marcus' old place. He found her sitting at the kitchen table facing pictures of her father and Marcus. He said her name, and she turned, practically leaping into his arms, sobbing hysterically. When she finally cried herself out, he told her to get her things. She started to argue, but when she saw the look in his eyes, she stopped herself in mid-curse. Nodding, she gathered all of her clothes and gear, and accompanied him back to his apartment.

Unbeknownst to Dave, Mindy's mind was wandering the same path. There had been the usual adjustments of living together, but they came out it with minimal bruising on Dave's part. Mindy did learn, however, that when Dave got a certain look, it was time to shut up and back off. She was certain that he didn't realize he got that look, because he always looked slightly confused when she backed down.

Mindy recognized that look, and it was one her father had worn when he was done playing games. It was also one that Marcus got when a perp was really starting to annoy him. It was a cop look, and it scared Mindy more than anything. She only knew two people who had that look, and they had both died. The idea of losing Dave kept her up at night, sometimes. It was one of the worst of her nightmares, and it made her realize that she actually liked the big dork. As in, "liked" liked.

Turning off the water, she leaned her forehead against the wall, trying to ignore the sensation that tingled low in her belly.

_Fucking hormones! I sooo do not need this shit! I need Dave to-... Ah, shit._

Cutting off that line of thought before it got too far, she got out of the shower. It took her a moment to realize that she didn't grab any clean clothes before coming in, and her uniform was currently draped across Dave's head. Reaching over for a towel, she realized that the rack was empty.

_Fuck! I forgot that Dave did laundry this morning. He always forgets to keep one out of the cupboard._

Sighing, she decided that there was no other choice. She had already tempted him once, so why not give him a show. Opening the door slowly, she adopted a pose she had seen in some of the comics Dave read. The woman she had seen was wearing panties and baby doll night shirt, but the principal was the same. It took her a moment to realize that she had no audience. The cooler air of the apartment chilled her, raising goose bumps along her flesh. It also caused her nipples to harden even more. Wrapping her arms around herself, she looked in the living room, and saw Dave in his recliner. The expression on his face was one of deep thought, and she had to admit that it was cute as hell.

Kneeling down next to the chair, she laid her chin on the arm between her hands. In her best "cute little angel" voice, she said "Whatcha thinking about?"

Dave didn't look at her, and he didn't speak for a breath or two. When he did, she almost wished he hadn't.

"We need to find out who did all that to Tarak."

"What do you mean?" she asked. She gulped as she saw him get _that_ look.

"Mindy, someone out there is creating monsters. I don't know whether Tarak was released, or if he escaped, but someone out there did that to him. That needs to stop. I also had a thought about something else, and it bothers me."

Mindy felt a shiver down her spine. She didn't like where this was going.

"It occurred to me that his past and ours might be linked. His creator might be in the employ of Chris D'amico."

The idea brought Mindy's mind to a screeching halt.

"Say that again, because I think I had a piece of fucking crazy in my ear."

Dave turned to look her in the eye. That look of determination had her shivering, and it wasn't because of the chilly air.

"Think about it, Mindy. Chris is the only one with the money to fund something like that, and he's just as much of a nerd as I am. It would be just like him to find some scientist, and set him up to crank out supersoldiers. Think about Tarak's abilities. His mutations look like a cross between Spiderman, the Lizard, and Captain America. The poor bastard was just a prototype, I bet. If we don't find this guy, we may have to deal with something worse later on. We're lucky Tarak is willing to help us. He could have easily killed us both. He'd be quiet about it too, or did you not notice the compound bow hanging on the wall of his shack?"

In fact, Mindy had noticed it. She had also noticed that his arrows were tipped with some wicked looking broad heads.

"Well then, sounds like we got some work to do. I'm gonna go to bed. G'night."

Ignoring his gasp as she stood up, she turned around and went to her room. Closing the door, she silently thanked the builders of the apartment building that the inner walls of the building were solid brick. It was great for sound proofing, and she knew she could get a little noisy when she masturbated. She lay back on her bed, entertaining a brief fantasy that Dave would throw open the door, and take her right there.

As Mindy sated her desires by herself, Dave sat in his recliner blinking in disbelief. He had just seen Mindy MacCready naked, and she was _hot_. Her curves were actually a little better developed than Katie's had been at that age, but tempered with muscle. A few scars here and there, but heaven knew Dave had enough scars of his own.

Shaking off the image, or trying to at any rate, he got up to go talk to her.

He could only attribute his next actions to lack of sleep, a full work day, and then a patrol followed by a lot of weird stuff. He opened the door without knocking, and whispered her name.

The image of naked Mindy was swiftly replaced by the even hotter image of Mindy with her fingers buried in her sex, whispering Dave's name over and over again. He took a deep breath with his eyes closed, and it only made things worse. He could smell her arousal, and it served to make him harder than Chinese algebra.

Mindy was completely absorbed in what she was doing, and so never heard the door or Dave's whispering her name. She had her eyes closed, imagining Dave doing things to her that made her toes curl, and continued to work herself into a lather. She imagined him running his hands from her toes to her knee, and then up her thigh, across her stomach, and touching her breasts. It felt so real, she could actually feel him kissing her on the lips.

Her eyes snapped open when she realized that Dave _was_ kissing her. He pulled back, and he had a look in his eyes that made her quiver.

"Dave," she whispered. "Dave, please..."

"NICE SIGNAL YOU JACKASS!"

Mindy jerked awake, and glared at Dave for waking her out of what was turning out to be a very good dream. When Dave looked over to check on her, he at least had the grace to look apologetic.

"Sorry about that, but hey! We're almost home."

Mindy settled back into her seat, growling to herself. She really liked Dave, but his timing sucked a big set of donkey balls.

The car came to a screeching halt a second time, this time with Dave wearing a look of total disbelief. Not liking that look, Mindy turned to see what had captured his attention and gasped.

Standing frozen in the headlights was a creature that looked, for all intents and purposes, like some sort of humanoid cat. She heard the driver's side door open, and saw Dave approach the creature slowly. He held up the back of his hand, letting the creature sniff it. As he did so, he looked at the bracelet the creature was wearing, and saw that it wasn't really a bracelet.

It was a flea collar with an attached pet tag.

Reading the tag, Dave gasped, startling the creature. It sank it's teeth into his hand, and then bolted off into the night. Grunting from the unexpected attack, Dave snarled and yelled "Fuck you, Mr. Bitey! Fuck you!"

Hit Girl came running over, and after checking Dave's hand, she asked "Dude? What the fuck was that about?"

Dave growled "That used to be a cat. A cat I tried to rescue once, back when I first put on the costume. Mindy?"

"Yeah?"

Dave said nothing else as his eyes rolled back in his head, and he collapsed into her waiting arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Mindy sat on the bed next to Dave's unconscious body, her head in her hands. She thought back to the trip home. Whatever had knocked him out had also charged him up like a battery. Just touching him had shocked her like a hit from a tazer. She had finally had to take off her cape, looping it around his wrist and using it to drag him back to the car. She got shocked two more times trying to put him in the back seat, finally giving it up and putting him in the passenger seat up front.

She also noticed that the second discharge was weaker than the first, and the third was even weaker. She noticed that Dave seemed to be getting weaker, as well. Her right hand curled around the grip of her pistol, but did not draw it. The temptation to assassinate the cat creature was there, and strong, but she couldn't bring herself to leave Dave. Swearing under her breath, Mindy climbed into the driver's seat.

It was a short drive from there to the apartment, but in that time, Dave's breathing evened out. Mindy was zapped again as she tried to get him out of the car, and it was like the first time, knocking her on her behind.

"This has been the weirdest night of my whole fucking life," she growled as she once again used her cape to drag him up to the apartment. Finally managing to get him to his bed, she sat down next to him, and with all the reverence of a prayer, whispered "Daddy, I think I am officially in over my head."

It was another two hours before Dave awoke, and once he sat up, the power began to brown out.

"What the hell?"

"Dude, relax. You've been doing that since we got home."

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Dave turned to face Mindy. She had since switched into civilian clothes, and was now wearing one of his tee shirts and a battered pair of jeans. She sat down on the bed next to him, but did not touch him.

"How ya feelin'?"

Dave blinked at her question, but took stock of himself.

"Pretty good, actually. What the heck happened? The last thing I remember is yelling at a mutated Mr. Bitey."

Mindy nodded, and said "Yeah, well, when that fucker bit you, something happened. You started giving off electrical shocks. Whatever he did to you turned you into a fucking human tazer, dude. I got you home, and you've been fucking with the power ever since. I don't know whether you're draining it, or just messing with it, though."

The power came back on, and stayed back on. Dave grunted, and rasped out "Weird."

After a few moments, something occurred to him.

"Uh, Mindy? Where are my clothes? I'm naked under this sheet."

Mindy's eyes glazed over, and her smile could only be called goofy.

"Mindy?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you take my clothes off?"

"Uh huh."

"Did you peek at me?"

"Yeah."

"Did you do anything else?"

"No. Wanted to, though."

"Did I zap you when you moved me?"

"Yeah. That's why I didn't do anything else. Didn't feel like getting tazed again."

Dave nodded, and without thinking, patted Mindy's thigh. She awoke from her daze with a start, and then frowned in confusion.

"Hey! You didn't zap me that time."

Thinking that over, Dave said "Control over this... whatever it is, seems to be instinctive. I wonder if the whole sleep zapping thing isn't some kind of defense mechanism, or maybe just part of my change. It does answer a couple of questions about how Tarak got changed. It's triggered by some kind of biological agent. Oh fuck!"

Mindy jumped to her feet as Dave got out of bed and started to pace, completely ignoring his state of undress. She tried to ignore it, as well, but the play of muscles under his skin was distracting as hell.

"Dave? Dude, what's wrong?"

He turned to face her, and his expression looked haunted.

"Mindy, think about it. I got bit, and now I've got powers. This shit is contagious. We have to call the CDC, and get this city under quarantine."

Mindy summed up her opinion in two simple words.

"Aw, fuck!"


End file.
